Used to

I used my whole life to get used to you
now I have to use the rest of my life to get used to not having you by my side

这个世界，残忍地没有如果。

如果能够重来

我愿意再为了你

为了我们的情

而努力下去

不管结局是怎样

不管结局是不是会改写

我都愿意

我们在这场争吵中

都落败了

没有人是赢家

因为我们将这份情

这得来不易的情

给输了

我们都失去了彼此

以及那

闪烁泪光的

情

可是

这个世界

没有如果

我们亦

无法再重来

Warning

I dreamed a dream last night
the "me" from future
came through so many years
and came to the "me" now
just to tell me that
just to warn me that
if I be with him
none will be left except endless tears and sadness
sad memories will be my food everyday
she came
to warn myself against him
to not fall for the deep hole
to not fall for him
Will I take that warning?
Will I take it and run?
or Will I love him still despite everything?
and I woke up at that last moment...

約束と記憶

何の為に

お約束に

守りですか

あなたの為

私の為

実話

自分自身で

分からない

ただ

このたいせつの記憶で

この記憶だけで

心の中で

忘れだくない

いつまでも

Sobs

Why one little heart could hurt so bad?

Why one little heart could inflict such pain?

Merry Christmas and I Miss You!

I dreamed of you yesterday night
just like the stars in the sky
sparkling my hope to meet you
while I know it can never be done
because we are half day apart
and you are nowhere to be found
why I wonder
the earnestness to meet you
reach its climax
during this holiday
and I do hope that my wish
will evaporate and fly through
the ocean and the sky
and
be with you
just like my dream

The rain

The wind is striking for the rain to come
and the rain is expected
The rain does come not long after the lightning
while the drumming of the rain upon the roofs has begun
like a symphony that is never heard before
but felt
and I am sitting in my study room
with my little book on my lap
indulging myself in small thoughts that take up my mind
The rain strikes droplets on the windows
the streetlights shine upon it
like diamonds shining across the streets
and I pull up my hand
and press upon the windows
which stained with rain
and I could feel it
the coldness of the rain
I play a naughty thought in my brain
I fancy that each and every rain droplet
has a tiny little story behind it
just like every living creature on earth
waiting for its opportunity
to fall
evaporate
and rise high up to the sky
and become the star of the night
just like you and me

The Past, The Present, The Future

There's less than 10 days towards the new year...
It kind of got me thinking of all those things that
happened in this year...
Had I changed to the better or worse?
This year was a mess.
It was so messy that when I recalled it
I could see so many big events that acted like
turning points in my life.
I had lost many precious things in this year that I hardly
could find my true self back.
Am I looking forward to the new year?
Why do I anticipate so many busy hours and studies that
will come to me in the new year?
Is it my pessimistic thoughts that restraint me from enjoying
my last glimpse of happiness during this holiday?
Never mind that now.
What will come will come as the sun will rise everyday no matter what.

汤圆搓阿搓

汤圆搓阿搓
搓到团团圆
今亦增一岁

汤圆搓阿搓
汤圆五色聚
喜色满天星

汤圆搓阿搓
笑声口水溅
汗水头发遮

汤圆搓阿搓
因为懒得搓
越搓越大粒

汤圆搓阿搓
搓阿搓阿搓
搓阿搓阿搓

幸福搓来了^^

Being Alive

What's more could be more happier

than being alive?

Being alive today and being here.

Being here by your side.

Breathe in the oxygen 

and breathe in the spirits of life.

Certainly we could wish for nothing more precious

but being alive here, on Mother Earth.

Nothing matters more than being alive.

Being alive is all that matter.

What does tomorrow matter if we die yesterday?

What does so and so matter if we no longer exist?

Everything happened centers around our very existence that

we often forget to be grateful.

So, being able to open your eyes everyday to the daylight

and live a full day is a present that we often receive which we always 

forget to be appreciative of.

And, I am happy that I am alive.

Aren't you?

捕梦网

我是有点笨吗？

竟然想着就这样

把梦都给

捉起来

镶起来

让我这个

自己都觉得可笑的梦

收起来

只让自己知道

梦，只来一夜

我却连一夜

也守护不了

一觉醒来

什么都没有了

连空气

也捉不住

心，不好受

却不知道为什么疼

因为

我连做了个什么梦

都想不起

Loneliness

What loneliness felt like?
Is it the sensation of devouring
all of the pieces of your heart
and left none behind?
What about the feeling of wanting to push down
the urge to vomit every time you draw in a breath?
Is there nothing more could come to
the existence of being lonely
as there is nothing in present?
Is the dream of being surrounded
by the people you hold dear to your heart
a mere trifle?
And if one is so lonely to come to the state of happiness
as one believes that happiness cannot play in part of
loneliness, then what hold for the future is just a daydream?

Secrecy

There is always this one guy            There is always this one girl
I met in the cafeteria                        I met in the library  
with a hand in his pocket                 with twisted eyebrows
looking around with his eyes            looking around blankly with her eyes
searching for what                           searching for who
I do not know                                  I do not know

There is always this one guy            There is always this one girl
I met on the way to class                 I met by the bank of the river
with an attractive cheerful smile        with a book in her hands
looking around with his eyes            looking around with her eyes
searching for her                              searching for him
I know                                            Sure I know

There is always this one guy            There is always this one girl
I met on my way home                    I met one day accidentally
with a full-of-story silhouette            with a happy face looking up
looking around with his eyes            looking at the very face of him
falling not on me                              smiling happily at him
I know                                            I see


I've been looking at you all along.

Faith

Sometimes it's not the dream that holds us
but rather the faith that we have
to believe in ourselves
and what may hold for us
in this world

想你了

这个世界实在是太大了

以至于不管我怎么走

还是无法遇见你

这个世界实在是太小了

以至于不管我怎么走

也走不出有你的世界

The library

The library
“Do you like to read?”
This was the first question he asked me in the library
right after I wiped off the tears on my face.
I looked up at him and he smiled at me.
I was struck there, unable to voice out a single syllable.
He looked me in the eyes and I could not help but noticed
he had such beautiful eyes.
It was like his eyes could talk. It was brown.
"Would you mind if I sit here?"
A second question passed and there was yet no voice
came out of me.
I nodded and he smiled at me again.
I could feel the warmth of his body radiating around his skin.
He leaned closer to me and whispered in my ear.
It was my right ear, to be more specifically.
"Why did you cry?"
So he saw me crying like a big baby in the library.
I felt so ashamed and wanted to run away.
I blushed.
"It was nothing."
I shrugged and looked away.
My hands were trembling underneath the table.
Suddenly, a hand came up to my head,
rubbing my hairs gently.
I was surprised and turned to look at him.
He smiled at me again.
It took me by surprised.
I could hold on no more.
I started to cry like there was no more tomorrow.
He let me cried without any utterances.
He just sat there.
Somehow, his presence made me to feel
secure and safe.
"I noticed you the first time you came here.
You did not talk to anyone. You will choose
a quiet far back seat to be alone. Sometime
you will cry, like today."
When I was done, he told me that.
I used the back of my hands to wipe off the tears.
"My name is Liz."
I told him my name.
"You can call me Jake."
"I got to go. It's getting late."
Before these could go any further, I got up quickly
and ran for the door.
"Liz! You can come here whenever you like!
I'll always be here."
Just when I was stepping out of the library,
a hand caught me.
"Sure! Thanks!"
I expressed my gratitude without turning my head.
I shrugged off his hand.
It was warm.
"Bye!" I was outside the library and it was
the last word that I could hear.
I swore I will never come to the library again.
This Jake could soften my shield like nobody else.
It was dangerous.


The coffee shop
It was a cold drizzling morning.
As I was unable to sleep yesterday,
I indulged myself in a cup of
hot chocolate in a coffee shop.
It was within walking distance from
the little apartment that I lived in.
"Amore" was the place.
The hot chocolate melted the cold
inside my heart and warmed my hands.
The clock in the coffee shop revealed
to be early and I allowed myself some
time to flip through the small notebook
which I always bring along.
There was a special mark made on the
day of 29th.
I knew very well what day it was.
It was the day that I met Jake.
It was more than two weeks from now.
But, I can never bring myself to the library again.
I ignored how my heart yearned for the very presence
of him and his warmth.
It was dangerous.
I repeatedly reminded myself.
It was of no use to try again and get hurt again.
That very incident which happened before had pinned
to my memory so sharply that I could recall all the
details it brought and the hurts it had given me.
I could never forget how I shut myself away
in order to be safe and sound.
All those years had passed quietly and peacefully.
I intended to do the same for the years that will come.
I finished the last sip of my hot chocolate and closed the notebook.
It was ten in the morning.
"Time to get my butt up and work."
I thought to myself.
The cold air struck me when I was out of the
warmth of the coffee shop.
The weather was not getting any better.
Maybe the Sun decided to take another leave.
I crossed the street and headed for my destination.
What I might not notice or realize was that I always
walk another route in order to avoid the very sight
of the library.
It was dangerous.
I repeated this sentence over and over
until it was pinned to my head as words that
were carved on a stone.
It was dangerous.


The library
It had now been three weeks.
Every day I seek through every corner of
the dusty old library and wish that I could see
the very sight of Liz.
Every morning I wake up with her face before
my blurry eyes and that is the very face I see every night
before I go to bed.
Some people might say it was insanity.
Well, I was way beyond that.
Every now and then I will look over my shoulder
and disappointment will grab me as I found out yet
another person passed through the entrance instead of her.
"Hey! You okay?"
Somebody nudged my shoulder.
I turned to look at the very person who had disturbed
my silent thoughts. My eyes might have implied something
as I saw Alex's worried face. I was not ready to give any answer.
"You seem weird."
Alex was arranging the books on the counter which
I was too distracted by my thoughts that I hardly noticed them.
"I'm fine. Just too tired."
I lied.
"Maybe you need some fresh air. Go and grab some coffee."
He pointed to the door and I went anyway.
I was in no shape to work with so much of thoughts in my mind.
I was again with my own silent thoughts when I was out of the library.
Maybe I scared her off.
This was the first thing that I could think of regarding
her continual absence.
What had prevented her from visiting the library puzzled me.
I could not make out a very clear picture of it.
Maybe she was busy.
My brain quickly put a denial to that statement.
She always come to the library even during holidays.
Maybe it was about me then.
I scared her off.
My heart ached at the very thought of it.
Now I was blaming myself for speaking to her.
But, I could not sit still and saw her cried like that without
offering any condolences.
Maybe I was wrong.
I sighed.
It was indeed a long and tedious day.


Not the library
I did not have the passion to lose everything
and try for myself just once.
What I wanted was to lead a peaceful
and tranquil life.
I just wished to secure this little happiness.
Was it so hard?
Before I realized, my legs had brought me to the library.
I looked up at the old building.
It seemed inviting.
Maybe I should leave.
The dilemma I had now seized me and
I could not breathe.
My heart was torn between two sides.
Just when I made up my mind to open the door
and walk right through it, my phone rang.
I wondered who it was.
My heart skipped a beat when I looked at the caller's name.
I hesitated.
My hands trembled.
I was scared and no reaction could come to me.
The phone died after several minutes.
"What did he want with me?"
I could not figure it out.
The phone rang again.
I drew a deep breath before I was able to answer it.
My heart pounded so hard against my chest and I thought
it might explode at any minute.
The voice that came through the phone ran straight into my heart
and successfully captured it.
It was him.
"Liz."
I remained silent.
"Liz."
He called again.
I had loved how his voice lingering around my name.
It was like a gentle and smooth romantic song surrounding my heart
and he was the conductor.
"What do you want?"
I intended to sound indifferent but my voice came out too weak
to support my intention.
"Are you free tomorrow? Can we meet for a cup of coffee?"
What his intentions were I had not a single bit of clue.
I was afraid to meet him and all that I had build up until now
will soon be broken again.
I dared not accept it.
"Sorry, I'm afraid..."
He did not let me finished.
"Liz, please. It's important."
"But..."
"Say no more. I'll meet you there."
"Fine."
I replied after a long silence.
I hung up before he could say anything further.
My heart betrayed me again.
His voice was like a magnet and can always draw my heart
towards him until I can no longer think rationally.
"Had not my love for him died three years ago?"
I closed my eyes and rested awhile.
I had now turned away from the library.
It was indeed a bad idea to come to the library at this state.
It was dangerous.


The room
The presents had been distributed.
I looked at my watch and wondered whether to leave or stay.
"Liz. Thanks again for coming today."
A big smile came into my view.
May's smile was always her best feature.
"Yeah! Never mind that. I like it here. You know that."
I drew a smile over my face, weather it was a real or fake one
I really did not care.
A satisfied smile registered her gratitude towards me.
I was satisfied.
"Want to head for the coffee shop there? It's still early."
"I'd rather not. I got to head home."
I shrugged my shoulder.
I really needed some time to be alone and enjoyed my solitude.
Solitary thoughts were my best companion.
"You sure?"
May still looked at me with those eyes that filled with eagerness.
"You enjoy yourself."
I smiled at her.
Assurance soon crept up her face.
"Okay then. See you!"
She had now turned away from me.
Her silhouette was soon out of my sight.
I bought myself a cake and was on my way home.
The streets were covered with lights and glistening Christmas trees.
But, I was alone.
The music sounded through my quiet apartment and it soothed me.
But, my mind was disturbed.
I had not long lying on my chair and the scene again struck my peace.
I remembered every word too well and they were the materials of
my every night's dreams.
Not even one night passed without their visit to my dream.
"It's happy to meet you again. You can't imagine how happy I am
to meet you again."
John told me this as soon as I seated myself in the coffee shop.
I did not believe him.
I did not answer his remark and it did not stop him from going on.
"I always wonder at how you are these past three years. It's been
a long time since we..."
I decided to stop him right there.
We certainly did not meet in order to reminisce the past.
"What do you want with me?"
My voice came out rather too harsh and cold.
It was for the good.
I could not risk having him there to break my heart again.
"Liz. I'll marry next month. I hope that you can come."
I did not expect such appeal.
I was struck.
A card was produced surprisingly.
My eyes stared at the white card as if it was my death certificate.
My eyes fixed on it so strong that I could not reply to his invitation.
I might burn it with my eyes if I continued to stare at it for long.
"Liz? Will you come?"
I withdrew my gaze from the card and looked at him suspiciously.
"Marry?"
I remembered how our love burnt too strong and disappeared too fast.
We made a mess.
It was a pretty big mess.
"Yes. Jane made me felt that I wanted to settle down.
I'd no longer wander lonely. I'd have her as my lifelong soul mate."
I still could not utter any word.
I was afraid that my voice would betray me.
"I hope to gain your blessings."
He smiled at me and I knew I could not resist.
"Well. I'd tried."
"Okay then."
How I carried myself home that day was a blur.
I could not remember a single bit of it except his words
and how my heart broke at the very sound of despair and
deep grieve.
I was left behind again like a torn toy.


The library
I felt coldness all over my body and soul.
Maybe another cup of hot chocolate would do me some good.
I headed for the coffee shop.
I packed some cookies to go with the hot chocolate.
It was still early and I decided to take a walk.
I was deep in my thoughts that I did not realize my feet
had betrayed me again.
They brought me to the library.
I could see the old building standing bravely under the cold weather.
The tree beside it stood like a guard.
I took a glance at the tree which was as old as the library.
“Will it hurt to meet Jake again?”
I was on the verge of giving in when the door suddenly opened and
revealed the person whom the image pinned to my memory so strong that
I did not forget since the day of our meeting.
It was Jake.
His face showed shock and surprise as he beheld my appearance at the entrance.
I wondered what my face looked like.
“Good morning.” He smiled at me broadly.
“Morning.” I replied after some hesitation.
“Are you coming in?” He held out the door for me eagerly.
I nodded and walked right past him.
I then planned on ignoring him and pretended that we
were merely strangers.
I carried on my resolution by picking up a book off the shelf casually
and chose a far back seat in order to avoid him.
It was no good.
He walked straight to me just when I had seated myself.
I looked up at him involuntarily and his eyes showed such eagerness
that I could not push him away.
“Liz. Glad to see you again.”
He seated himself across from me.
I still could not answer that.
“It’s been a while.”
I flipped through the leaves of the book without paying
any attention to him.
It was cruel.
I knew.
But it was for his good.
He was better off without someone like me.
“Liz. Did I do something to scare you off?”
His kindness towards me melt my heart.
“Maybe you should leave me alone.”
I said rather harshly in order to scare him away from me.
I did not deserve such attention and warmth.
“Liz! Look at me!”
He grabbed my hand as I tried to run away.
“Jake! I…”
“Liz, can we be friends?”
His words sounded like sweet marshmallow to me.
It was too sweet.
I stole a glance at him and he took this opportunity to hold my gaze there.
His hazelnut brown eyes were too hard to refuse.
“Jake, I was not the kind of girl you think I am. I’m afraid you will…”
I was running on with my refusal when he stopped me right there.
“Did I say I was looking for an ideal friend? I like who you are, as friends will.”
My head snapped up at those very words.
“Jake, I like you too.”
My words were sincere and they came out of my mouth before I could process them.
It gave him great pleasure that he tighten his grasp on my hand.
It was very warm and I did not want him to let go but he let go anyway.
I hid my disappointment with a smile.
“So, you work in the library?” I started some small conversations.
“Yeah, as part-time job. ”
What we had become since then I really could not picture it very well.
It was way past friends but we had no claims on each other.
I did not understand his intention.
Clearly he just wanted to be friends.


The wedding
I could not bring myself to the congratulation for them.
I stood rather distantly from the couples in order to not be seen by both.
They certainly seem happy.
Maybe in a year or two John's affection for her will die out.
I thought so to myself.
John noticed me anyway during the congratulations that were poured off to them.
He brought his wife before me like a child who was eager to show his mother the found treasure.
"Liz. Glad that you can make it."
John showed genuine happiness.
"This is my wife, Jane. And this is my friend, Liz."
Since when my existence to him had dropped from girlfriend to mere friend.
I smiled.
"Hope that you're happy."
I directed this to both of them.
"Thank you. Liz."
John was soon distracted by some relatives' children.
I then withdrew myself from the noisy crowd and indulged myself in observing the happiest woman.
She certainly could be clarified as beautiful with her features and countenance.
She had those delicacies to her air and way of talking that I could never have.
But, I was not jealous.
John and I could never be together again.
Someone patted my shoulder when I was too busy in picturing their lives together.
I turned and I found Jake's big smile before me.
"Look who decided to show up."
He looked at me with those curious eyes and suddenly I found that I had been crying.
"Jake." I could not trust my voice at that moment.
He took my hand and I was lead away from the wedding that was like a funeral for me.
He did not ask anything nor I ventured to refuse his taking me anywhere as long as it was away from the happy couple.
We stopped at his car.
He did not say anything along the road.
The car came to an abrupt stop before the library.
I wondered what was going on.
Was he trying to calm me?
What was he doing at the wedding?


The library
He opened the library's door.
It was late.
"Jake. It's getting late. I should probably go."
I did not walk into the library.
I turned away but he held me there.
He pulled me into an embrace with him.
We were basically at the entrance of the library.
The cold air stuck us both.
He did not let go of me.
He held me tight in his embrace as if he feared that when he let go I would disappear out of twilight.
I could smell him very well in this close proximity.
He smelled so good.
"Jake. What happened?"
When he finally pulled off, his eyes were weary.
"Liz. Why did you cry at the wedding?"
He avoided my question.
I signed and pulled away from him.
"The bridegroom was my ex. We broke up three years ago and never met since till he showed up with his marriage invitation. I did not realize that I was crying before I did."
I laughed.
"It was nothing, actually.  I had got past him."
I looked up at him but he clearly did not believe me.
"Was he the reason you've been crying in the library before?"
"Well, I could never lie to you, right? You always see through my game."
It was no answer, for sure.
His hand came to my face and stopped there.
"The bride was my first love. We've been couple for so long that I got used to her presence until one day she told me she was tired of that routine. But I knew very well that she was tired of me."
His eyes revealed so much sadness that it looked like it will devour him entirely.
"I knew that she met another guy."
"Jake." I felt like I wanted to comfort him but could not figure out a way.
"Liz, I knew it was stupid to pine over her when she seemed so much happier now."
I wrapped him in my arms and tried to comfort him.
"You've done a great job. Letting go was not easy."
I said.
"Liz." He bent down and brought his eyes close to my face.
He was so close to me that I could taste the smell he emitted.
"Could you try with me for just once?"
I could not make up his meaning behind it.
"What do you mean?"
"I wanted you to be mine. Forever mine."
I froze at those lines.
He was now but one inch from me.
"What do you say?"
He looked at me playfully.
His hand came to my mouth and it felt so nice having him there as I drew in his smell.
His hand traced the lines of my mouth and I could barely breathe.
My heart pounded so fast against my rib cage.
"Yes."
My word was melted away as he brought his mouth close to mine.

"I thought you wanted to just be friends."
I voiced out my doubt.
"No. That was not my intention. What I wanted was to secure you for the rest of my life."
"And it was the first thought that came to me when you first showed up in the library."
"So you planned all these?" I asked suspiciously but I could not hide my smile.
"I wanted you to forget your past and live the present with me while we look up to our future."
He held me tight in his arm.
"I'll never let go of you."
These words were not whispered to my ear but my heart instead.
"Nor I."
Jake had rescued me from the hole that I put myself in after John.
I would be brave to try for our future.
"I love you."

Another life

Being a dog would be great fun
So many scents to smell
So many parks to run
So many sides to mark
So many delicious food to eat
So many plays to have
So many naps to take
So many friends to make
and the utmost purpose in life
is to love humans only
Wouldn't that be great?