The right person
An umbrella
You left me an umbrella that day.
The rain was the only witness of our only encounter.
It took up only a few minutes but it seemed like eternity to me.
Your warmth still lingered around the umbrella.
It surrounded me and my thoughts.
“Mind if I walk you to your car?” The words startled me.
I stood at the gate, unable to leave.
The rain dropped a beat unto the earth. I knew it was going to rain.
The weather forecast was right.
But, I was too lazy to grab an umbrella when I was on my way out.
Whatever.
I looked up at him.
He had those beautiful eyes that could speak without words.
I hold my glance there.
“Excuse me?” I saw no reason that he should offer help to a total stranger and I believed that the rain will stop in no time.
He pointed at his umbrella and looked at me.
“No, thank you. It’s okay.”
That was the time he left the umbrella at my side and embraced the rain in the next minute.
“Hey! You forget your umbrella!”
All I last saw of him was a blurry image and the rain that played around him like children.
What I cannot love I ignore.
The evening was cold probably because of the rain.
I folded myself together in my coat, ignoring the rumbling of my stomach.
The clock struck ten when I was home.
As usual, the light was not on.
I walked straight into my room without even bother to pick up the clothes outside.
I will do it tomorrow. I promised myself.
“You home?” A voice echoed around the deserted house.
This time, I was going to ignore it.
I shut the door behind me as if I could shut the world out.
“Hey! Bell!” One knock. Two knocks. Three knocks.
“Open the door! Bell! I want to talk to you! Hey! You’re listening?
The knocking continued.
I walked straight to the bathroom.
Turning on the shower, her voice was no longer clear to me.
It was good.
The knocking stopped.
I had always believed that I could ignore her long enough to make her leave.
But, I was wrong. Her patience seemed stronger than ever.
Moving out, it is.
I was up before the Sun.
My hair was a mess but I could not be less concerned about it.
The books still scattered on the desk.
Maybe I should get another place to live.
Then maybe she will get the message that I did not welcome her at all.
Her intrusion into my life had made me wondered about what else could go wrong in my life.
There was a note on the fridge.
“Bell, I know you wouldn’t want to talk about it but it’s useless if you keep ignoring it. Call me, please. Love you, mom.”
I grabbed the paper and crumbled it in my hand.
Yeah, I don’t want to talk about it. Can you get it?
It was a vicious cycle.
I gulped down the orange juice in one breath.
My phone rang at that very moment.
“Hello?” The voice was familiar.
“Hello? Bell? I’m Wayne. I was wondering if you could help me with something.”
She seemed in trouble.
“What is it?” I got a feeling that it was no good job.
“My mom falls sick so I have to look after her. Can you help me to take care of my shop for just today?” She sounded anxious.
“Wayne, I’m kind of busy. Can’t you just close the shop?” It was a lie. I was just in no good mood to take care of things now.
“Bell, please? There’s shipping coming today. I have to open the shop. I’ll treat you after today, please?” It was hard to turn her down.
“O…kay.” There was a resounding no in my heart.
“Thank you, Bell! Love you so much!”
Maybe it was not the worst idea in the world to take care of the shop for just one day.
That umbrella
Working the night shift, that was no longer my dinner but my breakfast.
I walked down the ninth street and ate my sandwich slowly.
Maybe my belly stopped protesting long times ago.
I had no appetite.
I walked into the bookshop just to grab another book for the weekend.
My book had always become my best friend when no one else did.
Then, something caught my eyes.
The usual shop that acted like my sanctuary had changed.
“Hello? Where’s Wayne?”
As far as I knew, this shop belonged to a short plump girl called Wayne, not this slim tall girl with wavy golden hair.
“She’s busy. I’m taking care of her shop. Is this all you want?”
She grabbed my book, counted the cash and gave me the book and the change.
I stood there without a single intend to leave.
“Is there something else?” She looked me in the eyes and from then I recognized something.
“Didn’t you remember me?” I sounded a little rush.
“No. Am I supposed to know you?” She sounded casual, not at all recognized me.
“I lent you an umbrella the other day, you remember?” Her face still remained normal. Not a single emotion passed through there.
“You’re the guy? I have the umbrella here. Wait here.” She went back to the storeroom to take it. Later on, the umbrella rested on my hand.
“Thank you.” Her gratitude did not sound like gratitude.
She averted her gaze and turned away.
It seemed like she was holding back something.
Standing at the entrance, I had both my book and my umbrella with me.
But, my heart seemed lighter than ever like something had been lost.
I did not know what.
The short message
Another week passed.
Before I realized, my legs were taking me to the shop.
I was no longer searching for books.
I found myself searching for that girl.
But, she was not there. Wayne was.
“Hey! Can I help you?”
I turned my glaze to Wayne.
“Hi! I came last Saturday, but you weren’t here. What happened?”
I tried to sound uninterested, but my voice betrayed me.
“Oh! My mom was sick that day. I called up my friend to help me.”
She was arranging the books on the desk.
Judging by the looks on her face, she was not surprised that I asked.
“Your friend?” I tried to sound as uneager as I could.
“Yeah, my high school friend, Bell.”
“Bell.” I murmured the name to myself, as if I could know her deeper.
“How’s your mom?”
“She’s fine, just a flu. Thank you for asking.”
“Welcome.” I brought myself out of the shop, without realizing that I was too busy thinking about her that I did not get myself a book for the weekend.
Bell.
The tears
“After you’ve finished the report, you can leave.” Sam had finished his part, preparing to leave.
It was half past eight and yet I had no dinner in my grumbling stomach.
“Okay, just let me finish it.” I tried to ignore my protesting stomach.
It was no big deal.
I always work the night shift. It was still early.
Taking one last check at the patients, I walked slowly back to my place.
“I don’t care! I’ll not even cry when he dies. I don’t care! Can’t you get it?”
It was quite loud. I could hear the sound of rustling of clothes and deep breaths.
Whatever it was, it will disrupt the peace of the hospital.
I had to warn them off.
Turning around the corner, the one who was facing me was a middle-aged woman with wrinkles and short white hair.
Her face was very pale and she looked like she will pass out in any minute.
She was unable to speak and only could look at the person in front of her, the one who was not facing me.
“I don’t want to meet him. I don’t even want to see his face. Have you forgotten what he had done? Huh?” The girl who was wearing a mess of golden hair was getting uneasy and tension. Her voice was getting louder every minute.
Looking at her figure, I guessed that she was quite young.
“But, Bell, he is your father. Nothing can change that, even if you don’t want to admit it.” The woman took a step forward, trying to hold on to the girl.
The girl turned away from her as if to hide something.
That was the time the woman failed her step and fall down in front of us.
“Mom!” The silence of the night was carried away followed by endless tears.
You love what you hate and you hate what you love.
“Is she okay?” Her sound became very weak.
It was like she was aging every second and now she was a fifty years old woman.
“She’s fine, just exhausted.” I looked at her, unable to utter any condolences.
“It’s my fault.” She covered her face in her hands. Her shoulders trembled.
“Maybe you should let her rest first. Want to get a cup of coffee?” I pointed to the door, hinting at it was time to leave.
“I want to stay by her side.” She did not have any intention to leave.
“Bell, it’s no use if you do so. You need to get some rest too. You’ll worry your mom if you do not.” I tried to sound reasonable.
“Fine.” She slowly carried herself away from her mother’s bed.
Once out of the hospital, the cold wind struck us a little too cold.
She shuddered a little bit.
“Are you okay?” I looked at her, trying to make out her expressions.
“What’s your name?” She changed the topic in a heartbeat.
“Tim.”
“Tim, thank you.” She turned towards me.
Looking at her beautiful eyes, I lost my speech.
“Thank you for everything.” She spoke those words not to my brain, but to my heart.
“You’re welcome.” It took me more than ten minutes to give a reply.
We stood there, looking at each other and it seemed like the time and space had frozen.
When the time came, only you realized how much time you had wasted.
Closing the door behind me, I was too weak to walk another step.
He was your father. She was your mother.
And yet, I had hurt them more than my life could handle.
I grabbed onto my heart, as if I could lift the weight off my heart.
I threw myself onto my bed, unable to sleep but only close my eyes.
My mind flashed back to those times back then when my father was still here, with us.
“Little Bell, do you know why the stars shine at night?” My father looked at me and love was written all over his face.
“I don’t know, daddy.” I looked at him innocently, too dumb to understand his question because I was only five years old.
“It’s because the stars are little angels. They want to protect all little children in the world, especially you, my little princess.”
“Is it true? Will they protect you too?” I held onto my father, rocking to and fro.
“Of course they will!”
“Dinner!” The soft voice came rounding the yard. My father put me on the ground and held my hands.
“My little princess, come!” The stars shined the brightest at that night and after that night the stars were no longer interesting to me anymore.
It was all a black hole and endless tears.
Did a hug mean nothing?
Something in the space struck me.
My hands no longer listened to me anymore.
They slowly came up to the girl in front of me.
She looked too weak, too soft as if she will break at any minute.
My heart tightened at that minute.
Before I realized, she was already in my hug.
My hands locked her in my arms and she seemed so calm that she did not protest.
She just rested her head in my arm like a little child.
It was like we were in another world, another space with different identities and different time zone.
She just kept quite without the will of pushing me away.
I was afraid to speak.
Any noise will break the comfort at that time.
It will break the secret zone we had at that moment.
I hoped that moment never ended but it did anyway.
Bell.
I wanted to take a step forward because the thought of losing you was more than I could handle.
“Want a cup of coffee?” I directed the question at her, wishing that she would be distracted. She needed some distraction right at that moment.
“Sure.” Her sound came on too slow that I was afraid that she did not hear me.
It was perfect silence in the cafeteria, so perfect that nobody could break it except her.
Taking a sip of her drink, she slowly looked up at me.
“Tim, am I a bad child?” Her eyes displayed too much grief that I could not look at it.
“What?” It was indeed a stupid question.
She cast down her eyes.
“Bell, you can tell me anything. I will always be right here.” I took hold of her hands, wanted to give her courage.
She took a deep breath.
“Do you know the patient in ICU? The one who was crashed by a lorry and is staying there for almost a month now?” The way she spoke of it was like it was no big deal.
“Is he the one who suffer serious brain injury? I was getting bad feelings about it.
“The man who is lying there is my father.”
I did not know if my expression was filled with shock or surprise.
“Bell? Is it true?” I did not trust my voice anymore.
“He abandoned me and my mother twenty years ago and I hate him for it.” Her eyes were filled with mixed emotions and she seemed so confused.
“I know that I should never forgive him but I don’t know if I can hold up any longer. I was… I don’t know how…” Her tears came before she knew it.
I slowly came to her side.
Kneeling down at her side, I did what I can.
I held her in my arms and let her cried.
It was a happy opening, not a happy ending!
“Is he doing any better?” Wayne stayed by my side long enough to let me notice her presence.
“Not really. He still hasn’t woken up.” I did not know why.
“What did your doctor boyfriend say?”
“Boyfriend? When did I have one and I don’t know?” Wayne was certainly pissed off at my remark.
“You know what I’m talking about.” She seated herself across from me at the bedside. Her eyebrows gave that little twist each time she was pissed off.
“No, I do not.” I did not know why she was all riled up.
“Tim! I’m talking about Tim!” She suddenly increased up her voice volume.
“Shhh...It’s a hospital. Keep your voice down.” I warned her off. It was not good to bicker in front of my father. Well, technically he was my father. It did not mean that I had forgiven him. Not yet.
“Okay, fine. What did he say about your father?” She had given up, I supposed.
“Who said what?” Now, Wayne was losing her patience.
“Tim! What did he say about your father’s condition?” She crossed her arms impatiently.
“He said my father’s surgery has done what it could. His brain’s has recovered since and now it’s all up to his will of surviving.”
“What? That means nothing can cure him now?” It was no telling now.
“No, he doesn’t mean that. It’s just a matter of time before he wakes up.” Wayne must’ve noticed something in my face.
“What you’re going to say to him once he wakes up? Have you forgiven him?” She had pinpointed the question that surrounded me ever since and now it hurt more than ever.
“Well, I still haven’t figured that out. One step at a time.” I needed to take things slow.
Time was all I needed.
I have forgiven you. Could you please open your eyes?
It was now more than three months and he still did not open his eyes.
What was wrong with him?
“Mom, he’s still the same. No! I don’t need you to come right over. I can handle that. See, I got to go. Love you, mom.” I hung up the hand phone as soon as I could.
“Bell.” A voice startled me. I turned around and saw Tim in front of me.
“Ooh! Hi, Tim!” Maybe playing some safe distance would be good for both of us.
He looked at me intensely as if I was some picture to be studied.
“Glad to meet you! I’ve got to go. Bye!” I grabbed my bag as fast as I could and took myself away from him. But, I failed.
He grabbed my right arm and held me there, in front of my father.
If my father was conscious, he would have fought for me to get rid of him.
“Bell, are you avoiding me?” He still did not let go of my hand.
“Eh? Why?” Playing innocent seemed like an old trick.
“Bell! Look at me! Am I bothering you? Do you hate me?” He held me so tight and it hurt.
“No! Just that I hope we can be friends. Just friends. Nothing else.” His pressure on my hand slowly ceased away like a balloon which had lost all its life sources.
“Tim, you’re a great guy and I don’t want to hurt you.” I could not look at his eyes. They displayed so much love and grief that I could not look at. He carried himself away from me. My heart felt a tinge of pain. It was for both of us. He could do better without me.
The door closed behind me like a bell on a death march.
I seated myself beside my father.
“Dad, I have ruined everything. I have hurt the man I love the most in my life.” Holding my father’s hand, he still did not give any response.
“Dad, you heard me? Could you please open your eyes? I want to know why you left us twenty years ago. I give you a chance to explain. Dad, please.” I buried myself in my father’s hand.
I have forgiven you. Could you please open your eyes?
It was like he had listened to my plea. There was a small flutter about his eyes.
You always love your family, just you did not realize until it was too late.
“Bell…Is that you?” He was still too weak to talk.
“I’m calling the doctor. Please don’t talk.”
“No! Don’t go. I have something to say…something I wanted to say for a very long time.” He tried to sit himself up with all those machines tightly attached to him. I helped him anyway.
“Bell, I’m so sorry. I should have apologized long ago.” He took a few deep breaths. It seemed like too much to talk like this.
“I left you because…because your mother and I did not love each other anymore.” His eyes were filled with guilt, shame and grief.
“We cheated on each other and I left because I did not want to hurt you, Bell.”
That was enough. I left my father and went for the doctor.
I have not given up. Not yet.
“I’m sorry to call you up at this late hour.” Wayne was seated across from me at the coffee shop. I needed some confirmation.
“No problem, Tim. Is it about Bell?” It seemed like she knew everything.
“She’s avoiding me and she said we can be friends only.” It still hurt me a great deal thinking about what she had said.
“I guessed that. Don’t worry, I’ll help you.”
Walking the street down to the hospital, I had made up my mind.
“Mr. Lean has woken up.” This was the first thing I heard once I was in the hospital.
I pushed myself to the room. It was indeed good news.
Mr. Lean was soon out of the hospital. He was recovering very fast.
Her daughter’s face lighted up the second he was proved recovered.
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” I waited Bell at the doorway. It was my last chance.
“Sure.” She waited for me to open my mouth.
“Bell, I know everything. Sorry that I asked Wayne but I needed to know.” I was waiting for her to scold me but she did not. Her eyes gave me more courage to go on.
“I know you don’t trust guys anymore but can you give me a chance to prove myself? I dared not to hold her hands for I afraid that she might run away.
“Tim.” She hold my glance long enough to make me believe that she was going to say yes.
“He was my first love. He did everything to make me happy and I was so gullible that I believed everything he said. Until one day, I found him cheated on me with my best friend.” From the look on her face, she still could not forget it. It was a pain forever embedded in her heart that not time could remove.
“Tim, will you be different?” She sounded like a little child who dare not ask what she thought that she did not deserve.
“Bell, all you need to do is give me a chance to prove myself.” And she did.
Tim and Bell did make it till the end and Bell had forgiven both her parent.
Sometime you realized that you love more than you hate.
Love always wins.
Don’t you agree with me?
An umbrella
You left me an umbrella that day.
The rain was the only witness of our only encounter.
It took up only a few minutes but it seemed like eternity to me.
Your warmth still lingered around the umbrella.
It surrounded me and my thoughts.
“Mind if I walk you to your car?” The words startled me.
I stood at the gate, unable to leave.
The rain dropped a beat unto the earth. I knew it was going to rain.
The weather forecast was right.
But, I was too lazy to grab an umbrella when I was on my way out.
Whatever.
I looked up at him.
He had those beautiful eyes that could speak without words.
I hold my glance there.
“Excuse me?” I saw no reason that he should offer help to a total stranger and I believed that the rain will stop in no time.
He pointed at his umbrella and looked at me.
“No, thank you. It’s okay.”
That was the time he left the umbrella at my side and embraced the rain in the next minute.
“Hey! You forget your umbrella!”
All I last saw of him was a blurry image and the rain that played around him like children.
What I cannot love I ignore.
The evening was cold probably because of the rain.
I folded myself together in my coat, ignoring the rumbling of my stomach.
The clock struck ten when I was home.
As usual, the light was not on.
I walked straight into my room without even bother to pick up the clothes outside.
I will do it tomorrow. I promised myself.
“You home?” A voice echoed around the deserted house.
This time, I was going to ignore it.
I shut the door behind me as if I could shut the world out.
“Hey! Bell!” One knock. Two knocks. Three knocks.
“Open the door! Bell! I want to talk to you! Hey! You’re listening?
The knocking continued.
I walked straight to the bathroom.
Turning on the shower, her voice was no longer clear to me.
It was good.
The knocking stopped.
I had always believed that I could ignore her long enough to make her leave.
But, I was wrong. Her patience seemed stronger than ever.
Moving out, it is.
I was up before the Sun.
My hair was a mess but I could not be less concerned about it.
The books still scattered on the desk.
Maybe I should get another place to live.
Then maybe she will get the message that I did not welcome her at all.
Her intrusion into my life had made me wondered about what else could go wrong in my life.
There was a note on the fridge.
“Bell, I know you wouldn’t want to talk about it but it’s useless if you keep ignoring it. Call me, please. Love you, mom.”
I grabbed the paper and crumbled it in my hand.
Yeah, I don’t want to talk about it. Can you get it?
It was a vicious cycle.
I gulped down the orange juice in one breath.
My phone rang at that very moment.
“Hello?” The voice was familiar.
“Hello? Bell? I’m Wayne. I was wondering if you could help me with something.”
She seemed in trouble.
“What is it?” I got a feeling that it was no good job.
“My mom falls sick so I have to look after her. Can you help me to take care of my shop for just today?” She sounded anxious.
“Wayne, I’m kind of busy. Can’t you just close the shop?” It was a lie. I was just in no good mood to take care of things now.
“Bell, please? There’s shipping coming today. I have to open the shop. I’ll treat you after today, please?” It was hard to turn her down.
“O…kay.” There was a resounding no in my heart.
“Thank you, Bell! Love you so much!”
Maybe it was not the worst idea in the world to take care of the shop for just one day.
That umbrella
Working the night shift, that was no longer my dinner but my breakfast.
I walked down the ninth street and ate my sandwich slowly.
Maybe my belly stopped protesting long times ago.
I had no appetite.
I walked into the bookshop just to grab another book for the weekend.
My book had always become my best friend when no one else did.
Then, something caught my eyes.
The usual shop that acted like my sanctuary had changed.
“Hello? Where’s Wayne?”
As far as I knew, this shop belonged to a short plump girl called Wayne, not this slim tall girl with wavy golden hair.
“She’s busy. I’m taking care of her shop. Is this all you want?”
She grabbed my book, counted the cash and gave me the book and the change.
I stood there without a single intend to leave.
“Is there something else?” She looked me in the eyes and from then I recognized something.
“Didn’t you remember me?” I sounded a little rush.
“No. Am I supposed to know you?” She sounded casual, not at all recognized me.
“I lent you an umbrella the other day, you remember?” Her face still remained normal. Not a single emotion passed through there.
“You’re the guy? I have the umbrella here. Wait here.” She went back to the storeroom to take it. Later on, the umbrella rested on my hand.
“Thank you.” Her gratitude did not sound like gratitude.
She averted her gaze and turned away.
It seemed like she was holding back something.
Standing at the entrance, I had both my book and my umbrella with me.
But, my heart seemed lighter than ever like something had been lost.
I did not know what.
The short message
Another week passed.
Before I realized, my legs were taking me to the shop.
I was no longer searching for books.
I found myself searching for that girl.
But, she was not there. Wayne was.
“Hey! Can I help you?”
I turned my glaze to Wayne.
“Hi! I came last Saturday, but you weren’t here. What happened?”
I tried to sound uninterested, but my voice betrayed me.
“Oh! My mom was sick that day. I called up my friend to help me.”
She was arranging the books on the desk.
Judging by the looks on her face, she was not surprised that I asked.
“Your friend?” I tried to sound as uneager as I could.
“Yeah, my high school friend, Bell.”
“Bell.” I murmured the name to myself, as if I could know her deeper.
“How’s your mom?”
“She’s fine, just a flu. Thank you for asking.”
“Welcome.” I brought myself out of the shop, without realizing that I was too busy thinking about her that I did not get myself a book for the weekend.
Bell.
The tears
“After you’ve finished the report, you can leave.” Sam had finished his part, preparing to leave.
It was half past eight and yet I had no dinner in my grumbling stomach.
“Okay, just let me finish it.” I tried to ignore my protesting stomach.
It was no big deal.
I always work the night shift. It was still early.
Taking one last check at the patients, I walked slowly back to my place.
“I don’t care! I’ll not even cry when he dies. I don’t care! Can’t you get it?”
It was quite loud. I could hear the sound of rustling of clothes and deep breaths.
Whatever it was, it will disrupt the peace of the hospital.
I had to warn them off.
Turning around the corner, the one who was facing me was a middle-aged woman with wrinkles and short white hair.
Her face was very pale and she looked like she will pass out in any minute.
She was unable to speak and only could look at the person in front of her, the one who was not facing me.
“I don’t want to meet him. I don’t even want to see his face. Have you forgotten what he had done? Huh?” The girl who was wearing a mess of golden hair was getting uneasy and tension. Her voice was getting louder every minute.
Looking at her figure, I guessed that she was quite young.
“But, Bell, he is your father. Nothing can change that, even if you don’t want to admit it.” The woman took a step forward, trying to hold on to the girl.
The girl turned away from her as if to hide something.
That was the time the woman failed her step and fall down in front of us.
“Mom!” The silence of the night was carried away followed by endless tears.
You love what you hate and you hate what you love.
“Is she okay?” Her sound became very weak.
It was like she was aging every second and now she was a fifty years old woman.
“She’s fine, just exhausted.” I looked at her, unable to utter any condolences.
“It’s my fault.” She covered her face in her hands. Her shoulders trembled.
“Maybe you should let her rest first. Want to get a cup of coffee?” I pointed to the door, hinting at it was time to leave.
“I want to stay by her side.” She did not have any intention to leave.
“Bell, it’s no use if you do so. You need to get some rest too. You’ll worry your mom if you do not.” I tried to sound reasonable.
“Fine.” She slowly carried herself away from her mother’s bed.
Once out of the hospital, the cold wind struck us a little too cold.
She shuddered a little bit.
“Are you okay?” I looked at her, trying to make out her expressions.
“What’s your name?” She changed the topic in a heartbeat.
“Tim.”
“Tim, thank you.” She turned towards me.
Looking at her beautiful eyes, I lost my speech.
“Thank you for everything.” She spoke those words not to my brain, but to my heart.
“You’re welcome.” It took me more than ten minutes to give a reply.
We stood there, looking at each other and it seemed like the time and space had frozen.
When the time came, only you realized how much time you had wasted.
Closing the door behind me, I was too weak to walk another step.
He was your father. She was your mother.
And yet, I had hurt them more than my life could handle.
I grabbed onto my heart, as if I could lift the weight off my heart.
I threw myself onto my bed, unable to sleep but only close my eyes.
My mind flashed back to those times back then when my father was still here, with us.
“Little Bell, do you know why the stars shine at night?” My father looked at me and love was written all over his face.
“I don’t know, daddy.” I looked at him innocently, too dumb to understand his question because I was only five years old.
“It’s because the stars are little angels. They want to protect all little children in the world, especially you, my little princess.”
“Is it true? Will they protect you too?” I held onto my father, rocking to and fro.
“Of course they will!”
“Dinner!” The soft voice came rounding the yard. My father put me on the ground and held my hands.
“My little princess, come!” The stars shined the brightest at that night and after that night the stars were no longer interesting to me anymore.
It was all a black hole and endless tears.
Did a hug mean nothing?
Something in the space struck me.
My hands no longer listened to me anymore.
They slowly came up to the girl in front of me.
She looked too weak, too soft as if she will break at any minute.
My heart tightened at that minute.
Before I realized, she was already in my hug.
My hands locked her in my arms and she seemed so calm that she did not protest.
She just rested her head in my arm like a little child.
It was like we were in another world, another space with different identities and different time zone.
She just kept quite without the will of pushing me away.
I was afraid to speak.
Any noise will break the comfort at that time.
It will break the secret zone we had at that moment.
I hoped that moment never ended but it did anyway.
Bell.
I wanted to take a step forward because the thought of losing you was more than I could handle.
“Want a cup of coffee?” I directed the question at her, wishing that she would be distracted. She needed some distraction right at that moment.
“Sure.” Her sound came on too slow that I was afraid that she did not hear me.
It was perfect silence in the cafeteria, so perfect that nobody could break it except her.
Taking a sip of her drink, she slowly looked up at me.
“Tim, am I a bad child?” Her eyes displayed too much grief that I could not look at it.
“What?” It was indeed a stupid question.
She cast down her eyes.
“Bell, you can tell me anything. I will always be right here.” I took hold of her hands, wanted to give her courage.
She took a deep breath.
“Do you know the patient in ICU? The one who was crashed by a lorry and is staying there for almost a month now?” The way she spoke of it was like it was no big deal.
“Is he the one who suffer serious brain injury? I was getting bad feelings about it.
“The man who is lying there is my father.”
I did not know if my expression was filled with shock or surprise.
“Bell? Is it true?” I did not trust my voice anymore.
“He abandoned me and my mother twenty years ago and I hate him for it.” Her eyes were filled with mixed emotions and she seemed so confused.
“I know that I should never forgive him but I don’t know if I can hold up any longer. I was… I don’t know how…” Her tears came before she knew it.
I slowly came to her side.
Kneeling down at her side, I did what I can.
I held her in my arms and let her cried.
It was a happy opening, not a happy ending!
“Is he doing any better?” Wayne stayed by my side long enough to let me notice her presence.
“Not really. He still hasn’t woken up.” I did not know why.
“What did your doctor boyfriend say?”
“Boyfriend? When did I have one and I don’t know?” Wayne was certainly pissed off at my remark.
“You know what I’m talking about.” She seated herself across from me at the bedside. Her eyebrows gave that little twist each time she was pissed off.
“No, I do not.” I did not know why she was all riled up.
“Tim! I’m talking about Tim!” She suddenly increased up her voice volume.
“Shhh...It’s a hospital. Keep your voice down.” I warned her off. It was not good to bicker in front of my father. Well, technically he was my father. It did not mean that I had forgiven him. Not yet.
“Okay, fine. What did he say about your father?” She had given up, I supposed.
“Who said what?” Now, Wayne was losing her patience.
“Tim! What did he say about your father’s condition?” She crossed her arms impatiently.
“He said my father’s surgery has done what it could. His brain’s has recovered since and now it’s all up to his will of surviving.”
“What? That means nothing can cure him now?” It was no telling now.
“No, he doesn’t mean that. It’s just a matter of time before he wakes up.” Wayne must’ve noticed something in my face.
“What you’re going to say to him once he wakes up? Have you forgiven him?” She had pinpointed the question that surrounded me ever since and now it hurt more than ever.
“Well, I still haven’t figured that out. One step at a time.” I needed to take things slow.
Time was all I needed.
I have forgiven you. Could you please open your eyes?
It was now more than three months and he still did not open his eyes.
What was wrong with him?
“Mom, he’s still the same. No! I don’t need you to come right over. I can handle that. See, I got to go. Love you, mom.” I hung up the hand phone as soon as I could.
“Bell.” A voice startled me. I turned around and saw Tim in front of me.
“Ooh! Hi, Tim!” Maybe playing some safe distance would be good for both of us.
He looked at me intensely as if I was some picture to be studied.
“Glad to meet you! I’ve got to go. Bye!” I grabbed my bag as fast as I could and took myself away from him. But, I failed.
He grabbed my right arm and held me there, in front of my father.
If my father was conscious, he would have fought for me to get rid of him.
“Bell, are you avoiding me?” He still did not let go of my hand.
“Eh? Why?” Playing innocent seemed like an old trick.
“Bell! Look at me! Am I bothering you? Do you hate me?” He held me so tight and it hurt.
“No! Just that I hope we can be friends. Just friends. Nothing else.” His pressure on my hand slowly ceased away like a balloon which had lost all its life sources.
“Tim, you’re a great guy and I don’t want to hurt you.” I could not look at his eyes. They displayed so much love and grief that I could not look at. He carried himself away from me. My heart felt a tinge of pain. It was for both of us. He could do better without me.
The door closed behind me like a bell on a death march.
I seated myself beside my father.
“Dad, I have ruined everything. I have hurt the man I love the most in my life.” Holding my father’s hand, he still did not give any response.
“Dad, you heard me? Could you please open your eyes? I want to know why you left us twenty years ago. I give you a chance to explain. Dad, please.” I buried myself in my father’s hand.
I have forgiven you. Could you please open your eyes?
It was like he had listened to my plea. There was a small flutter about his eyes.
You always love your family, just you did not realize until it was too late.
“Bell…Is that you?” He was still too weak to talk.
“I’m calling the doctor. Please don’t talk.”
“No! Don’t go. I have something to say…something I wanted to say for a very long time.” He tried to sit himself up with all those machines tightly attached to him. I helped him anyway.
“Bell, I’m so sorry. I should have apologized long ago.” He took a few deep breaths. It seemed like too much to talk like this.
“I left you because…because your mother and I did not love each other anymore.” His eyes were filled with guilt, shame and grief.
“We cheated on each other and I left because I did not want to hurt you, Bell.”
That was enough. I left my father and went for the doctor.
I have not given up. Not yet.
“I’m sorry to call you up at this late hour.” Wayne was seated across from me at the coffee shop. I needed some confirmation.
“No problem, Tim. Is it about Bell?” It seemed like she knew everything.
“She’s avoiding me and she said we can be friends only.” It still hurt me a great deal thinking about what she had said.
“I guessed that. Don’t worry, I’ll help you.”
Walking the street down to the hospital, I had made up my mind.
“Mr. Lean has woken up.” This was the first thing I heard once I was in the hospital.
I pushed myself to the room. It was indeed good news.
Mr. Lean was soon out of the hospital. He was recovering very fast.
Her daughter’s face lighted up the second he was proved recovered.
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” I waited Bell at the doorway. It was my last chance.
“Sure.” She waited for me to open my mouth.
“Bell, I know everything. Sorry that I asked Wayne but I needed to know.” I was waiting for her to scold me but she did not. Her eyes gave me more courage to go on.
“I know you don’t trust guys anymore but can you give me a chance to prove myself? I dared not to hold her hands for I afraid that she might run away.
“Tim.” She hold my glance long enough to make me believe that she was going to say yes.
“He was my first love. He did everything to make me happy and I was so gullible that I believed everything he said. Until one day, I found him cheated on me with my best friend.” From the look on her face, she still could not forget it. It was a pain forever embedded in her heart that not time could remove.
“Tim, will you be different?” She sounded like a little child who dare not ask what she thought that she did not deserve.
“Bell, all you need to do is give me a chance to prove myself.” And she did.
Tim and Bell did make it till the end and Bell had forgiven both her parent.
Sometime you realized that you love more than you hate.
Love always wins.
Don’t you agree with me?
